In a few hours, the first full week of July will be over. Truth be told, I’m already tired of it, July and August being my least favorite months of the year. The heat and humidity are unbearable no matter what you do, and personally I just have a really difficult time feeling good when you break a sweat standing absolutely still.
This was also my second week of training for the Marine Corps Marathon, and although last week I was feeling strong and this week started off well, things quickly went downhill.
Tuesday: 3 miles
Wednesday: 5 miles with the LUNAs.
Friday: 3 very sticky, humid miles.
Saturday: 4 miles. I’d planned on doing 5, but had felt sick and very tired throughout most of the day. I was only able to make it through these miles by alternating walking and running. It wasn’t a very good feeling.
Sunday: 5 miles, even though I was planning to do 9. After yesterday, this just felt like a slap in the face. I’m used to having a bad run, but it’s really tough when you have two back to back. After four miles, I stopped trying to rally my mental state and just gave up. Now that I’m back here sitting on my couch in the A/C, I feel like my body probably would have been able to handle 9, but mentally I just didn’t have it in me. In order for my body to have done it, my head would have had to have been behind it, 100%. There was no chance of that happening.
I can look at this week and recognize that I succeeded in a number of ways: I got out for 5 runs, I ran a total of 20 miles for the week, I managed to push myself when it was hard (in some cases, anyway). But I also look at it and just feel discouraged. Part of me is frustrated because it seems like no matter how much I run, I never really get stronger. Part of me is disappointed because I don’t want to be dealing with this kind of self-doubt while I’m training for my fourth marathon (I mean, at what point does that go away?!). Another part of me wonders if I’m just not cut out to run long distances, or possibly to run at all? And finally, there’s a part of me that’s worried about why it’s rare that my weekends turn out well, and far more common that they turn out like this. Why do I feel sick to my stomach so often? Why am I so tired? What is causing the depression I seem to be experiencing to be so much worse on the weekends than it is during the week? I don’t know how to find answers to any of those questions. I don’t know if it’s stress (which is what my doctor says) or something more. But man, what I wouldn’t give to just have a few weeks, maybe a month (or is that too much to ask) where I just feel consistently good. What a treat that would be.