After a bad day yesterday, I went to bed thinking, “It’s okay, there’s always tomorrow. I’ll make up for the bad day I had today by doing better tomorrow.” Well, I don’t know. I sort of gave up on today as soon as I woke up this morning. I don’t know why, really. I just didn’t really have it in me to bother summoning the energy I would have needed to do just about anything. And so instead of working on small tasks or just focusing on getting one thing accomplished, I threw in the towel and figured, “Why bother?”
I think maybe that sentiment is one of the hardest parts of depression to combat effectively. The answer is always obvious, very straightforward, and simple: “Why bother?” “Because you’ll feel much better if you do than you will if you don’t.” A response like that should indicate that you’re dealing with a no-brainer. The problem is, though, that depression wants to keep you feeling bad more than anything. So it comes up with a counter-response: “Yeah, but I’ll just end up feeling this way again no matter what.” And thus begins the most frustrating argument you could ever have with yourself. Moving past that depressive urge to wallow rather than act is sometimes a question of determination and stubbornness; other times it entails far more than that. I’m not sure what I needed today, because I didn’t really take much time to think about it and try to figure it out. And I regret that.
At this point, all I can really do is remind myself that I can do better than this. I’ve been happy in the past, and I can be happy again. The work that it requires is worth doing, and even if I do ultimately get depressed again, at least I will have had happiness in equal or even greater measure. And so as tempting as it would be to shrug and say, “Why bother making a plan for this week?”, I am going to state my intentions for the next seven days. Not doing so would just be giving up, which I don’t want to do. And because it’s fun to make graphs with pretty colors, I put my mileage goals into graph form. You’ll notice there are two different scenarios here–the Novice 2 plan as well as the Intermediate 1 plan (I’m unable to insert any links, once again. Otherwise I would link to the plans here. Thanks, WordPress). Since Hal Higdon appeared to be the overwhelming crowd favorite, I thought I’d go with one of his plans. I just haven’t decided which one yet.
My other goal is going to be to work on acting opposite (if I could link here, I would link to this: http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/opposite_action.html). It’s been a while since I’ve made a concerted effort to focus on how my thoughts and actions are feeding into my mood, and I’m hoping that maybe paying a bit more attention to that will have its benefits.