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Sunday run-down: June 13-19

I’m just going to come right out and say it because there’s no point in beating around the bush: I am pretty depressed these days.  A few months ago I remember thinking, “I’ve come so far, even though I have my bad days it’s hard to remember what it felt like to be at my lowest point.”  I wouldn’t say I am back at my lowest point, but I do feel much closer to it than I have been in a while; it no longer seems like the unfamiliar place it once was.  I keep trying to remind myself that just as I came from a better place, I can get back there.  Being at a low point does not mean that you will stay there, and it does not define who you are.  Of course, as much as my rational brain knows this, my emotional brain has a hard time internalizing it, and there’s always a nagging fear that because I do frequently end up back here, I will never get to a place in life where I’m entirely free of it.

As a result of this depression, I spent most of the day in bed.  I woke up sore from my yoga marathon yesterday (more on that soon) anyway, so I don’t think a long run would have been possible even if I’d been in a better mood.  And although I can’t be sure, I don’t think that my very low mileage this week helped to stave off this sadness–both running and yoga do a great deal to keep my mood stable, and during weeks like this, when I only make it out for two runs, the likelihood of my feeling good can be pretty low.  Here’s a look at the run-down:

Monday: rest

Tuesday: rest

Wednesday: Lousy T-Shirt 5k (WordPress won’t allow me to link for some reason, otherwise I would direct this to my race report)

Thursday: JP Morgan Chase Corporate Challenge (see above)

Friday: rest

Saturday: 108 Sun Salutations

Sunday: rest

6.6 miles?  Not really a stellar week.  In fact, looking back at my training stats on DailyMile, I haven’t done the best job of being all that consistent lately, either.

I didn’t do very well on the goals I set for myself, either:

1) Cook one meal? Nope.

2) Prioritize rest? Yes, but maybe at a cost?

3) Increase mileage to 25 mpw? Nope.

4) Go for another run with the Whippets? Nope.

5) Do at least 2 yoga practices? Well, I practiced for 2.5 hours yesterday, so I’ll give myself a pass on that one.

I guess it’s a little bit ironic that one of my big downfalls this week was trying to be an uber-runner who can do two races in one week (three in a pretty short span of time) and keep all the rest of my balls in the air while at it.  It’s possible (probable) that in the past few weeks I’ve just been biting off more than I can chew and this weekend it just really caught up to me.  Who knows?  I just don’t want to keep having these weekends where I stay in bed and none of the things I had been hoping to do get done, and the depression just gets compounded as a result.  They’re hard on me, they’re hard on Nat, and I want more for both of us.

So rather than give myself a bunch of goals for this week, I’m going to try to just get one thing back on track: running.  I won’t set a mileage goal, but I’ll aim to complete 4 runs this week.  Hopefully starting small will help me to start moving forward again.

Share your accomplishments this past week or your goals for the next one in the comments!

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8 comments

  1. *hugs* I looked back at my goals for the month the other day and there are only a couple that I’ve made any progress on so yeah, I really feel ya.

    I hope you feel better soon. I know that having a crap job that you hate definitely takes a toll, too. My last one was really bad. I had a coworker tell me one day when I was upset that we’re not fragmented people, you can’t leave your work at the job or check any home problems at the door when you come into work… and it’s so true.

    Hopefully next week will be better, at least without those races (esp. the crappy corporate one, bleh).

    A.L.

    1. Your coworker really got it right! It’s hard when people are constantly telling you to compartmentalize things–it just puts more pressure on you to do something that you feel is difficult or impossible, and life doesn’t work that way. I’m glad you’re in a better work situation now, and knowing that you are gives me hope for the future 🙂

  2. I really appreciate your honesty about your depression. As a runner who also suffers from depression, and goes through the ups and downs, I find that your blog is often the one I choose to read first (and sometimes the only one!).

    I haven’t commented before but wanted to say that reading your experience resonates much more with me than reading someone who is just so HAPPY and PERKY and they ALWAYS HAVE A GREAT RUN! We all know that no one is like that, and no one always has a great run. I applaud you for bringing the reality of life, and life with depression, into the blog word.

    I can’t tell you how much running and exercise have helped me with my depression. I feel like I may never be able to NOT be a runner, after knowing the differences in how I feel when I run or don’t run. I’m also much better when I have a goal to work toward, like an upcoming race, then when I just run to run.

    This is my first real week of summer vacation (I’m a teacher) and my husband will be out of town for most of it. My goals are to keep busy, keep working out and running, and not fall into a sitting-on-the-couch-watching-terrible-shows funk.

    1. Carrie, thanks so much for your comment! It really means a lot to me.

      It’s really important to me to be honest and open about my struggles here on the blog, whether they are minor or major. I sometimes wonder if that makes it a less appealing read to some people, and I also worry that I may come off as being really negative or something. To me, though, it’s important to speak up about these things and not shy away from them. I think there is enough of a stigma related to mental health, and I’ve always hoped that in some small way, this blog could serve not only as an example of the fact that things aren’t rosy for everyone all the time, but also as a safe space for others to discuss their struggles as well. I’m really happy that my blog has been meaningful to you. Thank you so much for reading.

      I don’t think I could have said it better myself about running–the difference really is that significant, isn’t it? It has such a powerful effect on mood, and like you, I can’t imagine it not being a part of my life!

      Good luck on your goals this week–I’ll cheer you on via DailyMile 🙂

  3. Emily,
    Thank you so much for your daily posts with such honesty. I second everything Carrie said. I am currently fighting a running injury and an eating disorder and not being able to run or workout as much as I would like makes my depression worse. I am trying to focus on recovering so I can begin training for my next marathon. It helps me to have a goal in mind.

    Your honesty in your posts have helped me tremendously, in reminding me that there are ups and downs in recovery and I am not alone in this battle. You have an amazing spirit and positive attitude, keep fighting. Starting small is definitely the best way to start and I often find the most meaningful and fulfilling runs are those run without a milage or time goal.

    I am thinking about you! Keep your head up. You are a beautiful woman and you have the strength to get through the tough times!!

    1. Hi, Blaine! Thanks so much for your positive words–you are incredibly kind, and your support means a lot to me. I’m sorry to hear about your injury, and I can understand how it would aggravate depression and an eating disorder, but it’s good that you are giving yourself the rest you need and that you have a goal on the horizon. Which marathon are you going to be doing next?

      I think the ups and downs of recovery and/or depression are one of the things that make it so hard–it seems like the ups make it harder to handle the downs, and when you’re down it’s hard to see the path back up. Like you, it has helped me a lot to know that I’m not alone, and that even though we all have our own individual struggles, we all also share a common experience and can provide help and support.

      I’ll keep you in my thoughts, and I’ll also keep my fingers crossed for your recovery from your injury and your ED 🙂 Thanks again for your comment!

      1. My next marathon is also the Marine Corps. Like you, I am hoping to start that training soon! We will get that motivation and we will do great!! Remember, we do this because we enjoy it!

  4. You are always so brave about opening up about your challenges. You inspire me… I’ve got a post 3/4 written that I started last week, yet wasn’t sure I would dare post. But I may get it up this week… just because you reminded me with this post that being open may help others, but it also helps ourselves.

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