Last week’s Sunday run-down was not much of a run-down, and this week’s Sunday isn’t going to be much different. My weekend started badly with a night of terrible sleep Thursday to Friday, which led to a foul mood on Friday. Things didn’t get better from there, and after basically skipping lunch and dinner yesterday, today started off with one of these:
which, as those of you who have been reading for a while already know, is not a good sign. As with any string of bad days, there were things I could have done better, and there were things that were beyond my control. Falling into the latter category: probably getting my period (which has, lately, been the cause of severe mood swings), not getting enough sleep on Thursday (special thanks to my neighbor for generally being a loud, inconsiderate jerk, and inviting his lady-friend over at 3:30 in the morning for some intimate fun…that was made less intimate by the fact that I heard all of it), and coming down with a cold (I don’t know about you but this is always a buzz kill, especially when it’s the third or fourth one you’ve had since the year started).
And that leaves us with the things I can control and just didn’t bother to. First and foremost among these things: my medication. This evening as I was calling my refill in to the drugstore, I noticed that the last time I’d had my 30-day supply of one of my meds filled was March 6. Given that it’s now April 17, this means that I was obviously not all that consistent with it. It’s one of those things I never intend to do–I’ll end up going through a day and just forgetting whether I took it (apparently I probably hadn’t)–but that I clearly do pretty often. It’s nice that this is a simple change I can make, but really, really unfortunate that it’s a change I have to make at all. With my history, I should know much better than to be inconsistent with my medication. I should probably start making use of this again:
I mean, that’s why I have it, right? So that’s probably a pretty big factor, but also at play is the fact that all those goals I set last week? Yeah, I basically published that blog post and forgot all about them. I didn’t really do much of anything in terms of self-care or stress management this week. My stomach felt bad, my body felt bad, and my brain felt bad. Clearly I need to put a bit more effort into care-taking behaviors. But instead of coming up with a ridiculous list of things to do, I’m just going to pick a few: get back to a yoga practice with at least 20 minutes of either yoga or some form of meditation every day this week, stick with my training routine, and try to do something non-exercise-y but still stress management-y two or three times this week. And that’s all. Hopefully by taking some control back, I can shake off some of the more negative feelings I’ve been falling prey to lately and get things back on track. I just haven’t felt like myself the past couple weeks, and I don’t like the fact that it’s now becoming a question of trying to remember what ‘feeling like myself’ actually means. As anyone who has been through depression can attest, there’s nothing worse than getting to the point where you start to wonder if there’s nothing more to you than your depressive self.
I’m really, really hoping that this week, I can remind myself that I am not my depression, and I am not my eating disorder. I am stronger than both those things, and I do have the ability to keep fighting inside me, even if I lose my grip on it sometimes. With luck, next Sunday will be a return to run-down form.