I’m just going to come right out and say it: this week was a total wash. I think my frustrating speed work on Tuesday set the tone–things just didn’t really get better from there. It wasn’t until today that it all kind of hit me, though, and oh man has it ever been a day of depression. It’s the kind of day where I feel like I’m in the middle of the ocean with a lead weight tied to one of my feet, and I’m trying to keep my head above water.
So what’s the run-down? Well, I ran on Tuesday, and then I tried (and failed) a 4-mile run yesterday. Yes, that’s the extent of it. Really, it seemed like many things this week just went in the wrong direction, although to describe it that way would make it seem like things have a mind of their own, and I played no role in any of it. That’s the temptation, and the trap, of depressive thinking: I have no control over these things, they just happen. There’s nothing I can do to change any of it. Fortunately, even though I still experience bad days and brief episodes of depression, I am able to recognize that there are things that I did wrong this week and that I can change. Dealing with depression and recovering from an eating disorder are both things that require a lot of vigilance and active self-care. This past week, I let myself get complacent and as a result, my good habits slipped and I was reminded of how fine the line can be between healthy and unhealthy. All it really takes are a few bad decisions, and you can end up feeling lost and even a little hopeless.
I feel like I’m at a crucial point, where I can either choose to pick myself up and keep moving forward, or give in to my negative feelings and end up lost. I want to make sure that I don’t lose the progress that I’ve made, and that I can keep my forward momentum. And so my goals for this week will be centered on the areas in which I feel most out of control (and I want to point out that these are also areas in which it’s possible to take control; I’m not trying to set up unrealistic or unhealthy expectations for myself):
- Home environment: my goal will be to spend at least 10 minutes a day tidying or doing some sort of household chore. I have let things really build up for way too long, and even though the clutter and chaos has been bothering me for a long time, I haven’t done anything about it;
- Appearance: every day I will try to do a little something that will allow me to leave the house feeling confident about my appearance, whether it’s spending extra time on my hair, or wearing a pair of earrings, etc.;
- Fitness routine: instead of taking a lackadaisical approach to training the way I did this week, I will be sure to get things back on track by focusing more on my running, and incorporating at least one session of yoga and one session of core work;
- Food: this past week I ate horribly and I felt horrible as a result–stomach pain and nausea, sluggishness, etc. Instead of letting that happen again, I am going to put more effort into making good food choices that will help me feel healthy, and not lethargic.
- Mind: let’s not forget the ever-important stress management! I will also try to take a few minutes each day to engage in some kind of stress-relieving behavior. Maybe meditation, or just some time knitting a few rows of a project.
I think that having concrete plans will help me to shake off this feeling of hopelessness and failure that is plaguing me today. If this week goes well, I might even turn this into a 30-day challenge! Who knows?
- Depression awareness week 11-17 April (poppyposts-blog.net)