Soon I’ll be 30…I don’t want to be 30

I’m just going to start out by acknowledging the elephant in the room: I haven’t blogged in a long time.  I know this.  I’ve been taking time to do other things, and also think about some changes I’d like to make on this here site.  I haven’t really made decisions about anything yet, but maybe I will over the next few weeks.  Or months.  And as we all know, as it goes on the blog, so it goes in life…

Yesterday I turned 29, which I guess I’ve been dreading every since I turned 28.  This all comes from the complex I have about turning 30, which I fear more and more as I inch closer and closer to it.  I just don’t feel ready.  I don’t feel like I have anything in order.  I have no idea where my life is going!  Can’t I slow things down a bit until I’ve worked things out just a little, and then resume life at normal speed?  That would be far preferable to what I’m doing now, which, frankly, feels a little bit like speeding toward an age that is undeniably and very officially categorized as being part of adulthood at a very reckless and alarming speed.  The funniest, and possibly the hardest, part of all this is that as much as I feel like things aren’t quite right right now, I also don’t feel like I know what right is.

Ultimately, though, I do realize that I have some control over where things are right now, and where they will be in a year.  So I thought it would be useful to spend some time thinking a little bit about how I want things to look one year from now.  It’s common to make resolutions on New Year’s day (which I personally think is a bit silly), but I think that since our birthdays are really the start of a new year, maybe some birthday resolutions are in order.  Or if not resolutions, then goals.  In the spirit of goal-setting, then, I’m going to set some.  For now, I’m going to let them be a bit vague.  I’ll work on them over time, and try to establish a bit more of a structure for them, to make them realistic and achievable.  Hopefully, this will mean that I’ll be working toward something good, rather than something frightening.

My first goal is inspired by a friend of mine, who commented on dailymile that she would like to turn 30 in the best shape of her life.  The more I thought about it, the more I realized what a great goal it was.  After all, after 30, muscle loss and (I believe) bone density loss begin to accelerate at a pretty rapid rate.  I’ve always taken my health seriously, but I’ve also been a bit lazy and inconsistent about things.  As I go through this upcoming year, I’d like to change that, and work toward becoming the healthiest I can be.  This leads me to my second goal, which is…

To confront and work on overcoming the things that scare me most, rather than letting them overcome me.  I have frequently let my fears about things get in the way of my improving and enjoying them.  When I start to get faster and see improvement in running, I tend to find an excuse to stop.  When I start to improve my yoga practice, I let it slide.  I know there are a few reasons for this: if I establish a pattern of success, then failing becomes even scarier than before; and if I don’t try very hard, I don’t have to deal with the disappointment that might accompany not doing as well as I’d hoped.  If I never train to run a sub-4:00 marathon, then I never have to feel like I failed to do it.  Then again, if I never train for it, I may also never know the joy and pride that could come from doing it.  I want to move forward in a lot of ways: I want to someday teach yoga, I want to someday be a running coach, I want to someday run a sub-4:00 marathon.  It’s true that it might take a lot of effort (and possibly a lot of failure) to get to a place where I can do those things.  But if I don’t put the effort in, it’s guaranteed that I will never do them.

Finally, I really want to expand my blog.  First and foremost, I want to broaden the focus from mostly running to something that resembles more of a healthy living blog.  As I mentioned before, I’m not entirely sure what steps I’ll be taking to do this, and of course there is a lot of fear associated with this goal as well.  But once again, the only way I can really fail is by not trying.

So…maybe 30 won’t be so bad after all?  I guess we’ll see how this next year goes!

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4 comments

  1. I think your friend’s idea to turn 30 in the best shape she can is excellent and is a concept that I use myself as I age. Whenever I think about slacking and not working out, I remember how important it is at my age to be in good shape. I certainly don’t want to end up in the shape my mother was in during her final years. Anyway, you are still in your 20s so enjoy your last year of 20-something-ness. Then it’s on to the next decade which should be pretty awesome. My 30s were great!

  2. Happy belated birthday! I don’t want to get old either, and the idea of being “an adult” is still terrifying. I will openly admit I have no idea what I am doing 🙂 so, maybe it’s normal?

    Good luck forming your b-day goals. Overcome some of those fears! What’s so bad about failing anyway? You will learn and hopefully have fun in the process. Don’t they say that some of the great inventions were products of failure?

  3. When I turned 29, I made a list of things to do before turning 30. Some of them were just weird things (try escargot), some of them were truly life changing (do a marathon). But I am fully in support of “birthday resolutions”. Except once I turned 30 I couldn’t think of anything to do by 31. And then I turned 31 and couldn’t think of anything to do by 32. It felt like so much of my life was consumed with one thing and I can’t put a timeline on that. (beating my ED) But now that I’m 32, I’m ready to start focusing on a few birthday resolutions. I’m a month behind in making those, but I’m going to think about them more seriously and get some goals for my 32nd year!

  4. Emilie, I just stumbled onto this post of yours from September of last year. Two things happened:
    a) It really, REALLY helped me, because for quite some time in my life, I haven’t really known what *right* would be for me either. And it’s been hard for me not to feel like a complete weirdo or outcast because of this. I love hearing/reading open admissions of uncertainty/nervousness about the future.
    b) I saw that your last goal was to expand/broaden your blog–and the year isn’t even close to being up and you’ve achieved that goal! Very successfully, I might add. Just wanted to point out. 🙂

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