I’m not ok, you’re ok

Full disclosure:

  • I haven’t done anything that even vaguely resembles a workout since last Saturday, when I swam 1/2 mile in the Schuylkill.  Even that wasn’t a workout so much as it was just mental work.
  • I’ve had the same Jillian Michaels workout DVD from Netflix since early June and I haven’t done it one single time.  I haven’t even put it in the DVD player.  I haven’t even taken the disc out of the Netflix sleeve.
  • I can’t remember the last time I kept track of what I was eating for a full day.
  • I can’t remember the last time I did yoga.
  • I feel completely disconnected from the training I have done for my triathlon (which is about two weeks away and for which I feel completely unprepared).  Even though I know I started out strong, I feel like that wasn’t me.  It’s like it was someone else entirely.  Someone with whom I have no connection whatsoever.
  • Every day I wake up determined to break this streak of awful I’ve been going through lately, and every day I just feel defeated.

I know that there are approximately 0 people right now who are reading this and enjoying the fact that I’m whining.  And I apologize for whining.  But the truth is, I just feel so drained lately.  I wish I could do something to turn things around but I don’t know that I can.  I’m having a hard time feeling like I didn’t blow the triathlon.  I’m having a hard time facing the fact that things that I love have somehow become seemingly impossible tasks.  It’s hard for me to say, exactly, what’s going on.  All I really know is that I don’t feel like myself and I haven’t for a really long time.  I’ve been trying for months to keep my head above water and at this point I just feel too tired to keep treading water.

When I go through times like this, I tend to obsessively tell myself that things will work themselves out, that everything will be alright, and that this too shall pass.  This time around, though, I’ve been doing it for such a long time that the words have lost all meaning.  And it’s not like I’m normally a super upbeat, optimistic, and cheerful person…but this has gotten to be too much.

I guess I’m worried that I’ve gotten to a point with this depression where I’ve begun to believe that there’s no difference between it and me.  Finding myself unable to shake it has got me feeling like a failure.  Not being able to run and do other healthy things that usually keep me balanced and happy reinforce my feelings of failure.  Having suffered so many setbacks in my training is like a fail cherry on the fail sundae.

So what’s my point here?  I don’t really have one.  I’m just writing this because, for one thing, I’ve noticed that sometimes I feel better when I get things like this off my chest.  This is a lot deeper than what I’ve dealt with in the past, so I’m not really sure what the effect will be.  For another thing, I don’t talk about this much because I figure people don’t really want to hear about other people’s depressive thoughts.  I actually put a lot of energy and effort into concealing the way I feel about myself and my life, and lately that’s been catching up to me.  I guess I just need an area in my life where I can be straightforward and honest about what I’m dealing with and how it’s affecting me.  So that’s what I’m doing.  And there’s no point, really, but hopefully it helps a bit anyway.

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8 comments

  1. Don’t worry, Em. Things WILL get better. One of the reasons why you have lost your direction or your focus is because you have lost your grounding, temporarily that is. You have to move to a new apartment in about one week and that’s pretty stressful. And your move is not a voluntary move, it’s one that was forced on you. so you have a good reason to feel stressed right now. Once you get that move successfully behind you, things will start to fall into place again. You will have your own new place, your new home, and things will just get better. Hang in there because in a short time this will change.

  2. Damn, girl. I’m sorry to hear all that. I agree that once you get settled into your new apartment, things may start to feel a bit better. And at the risk of sounding like everyone’s mother (or at least my own), sometimes it just takes a little change in one area of your life to make the rest of the pieces start falling into place. Maybe this move to the new apartment is that change? I sure hope so! Hang in there, girl. It will get better!

  3. Oh man… I really hope things look up for you soon. I think the others are right, once you move and are settled, your life is going to seem more in control.

    If you were one of my clients (postpartum mothers), I would tell you to see your doctor. Depression is not something to take lightly. It sounds like yours may have moved from ‘bummed out’ to a bit more on the clinical side. I don’t know you well… so take my advice with a grain of salt. However, it couldn’t hurt to talk with someone.

    Big cyber (((hugs))) coming your way.

  4. i feel like i have been in a similar boat workout-wise. i would suggest either: a) getting up and going for a run (or bike or swim, whichever you like best) and just pushing yourself for whatever amount of distance you can currently handle, even if that includes some walking or breaks. just get out there and dig yourself out of this rut, and let running (/working out) be your release.
    b) taking a week (or x number of days) and just not work out period. don’t even let yourself worry about “should you go work out” or how you can squeeze it in. if you find yourself wanting to go for a run, go for it, but don’t allow any pressure what so ever. give yourself and your mind a complete break from it and then you’ll be ready to go again.

    hang in there chica. i’m sorry you are feeling so bummed lately! :-/ find some ways to spoil yourself and pull yourself out of this rut! *hug*

  5. Em I’m sorry that you are going through a hard time, but I always believe that bad times will eventually pass, and they will for you. As others have said, you have to move soon, and not by choice, and that’s certainly not something fun to do. Take it as a new begining, gather everything that’s bothering you now and leave it in your old apartment with your crappy roommate and stat over on your new place.

    I also like Lindsay’s suggestion of going on a long endless cathartic workout, I know I’ve done it a couple of times when things where not working and it helped.

  6. As runners, there are many hills in our course…with every up hill there is always a down hill. They don’t come without one another. Things will go up, I promise you. Just hang in there and perhaps find a routine to get your workouts back in.

  7. I, for one, appreciate your honesty. I don’t know you, and this is the first time I’ve read your blog, but I must say that it takes alot of courage to say those things “out loud”, if you will…people don’t want to hear it, mostly because they don’t know what to do to “fix it”…Sometimes just having someone to listen makes all the difference! I think as you find the courage to be honest and not care what people think, you will be able to give yourself the grace to not have to live up to standards that aren’t realistic, whether they are someone else’s or your own…I’m looking forward to following your journey..keep your chin up!

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