I am the anti-perfect

Training this week has been lacking in luster (and sheen.  Don’t ever forget the pretty, pretty sheen).  Tuesday was a rest day because of a social obligation after work, Wednesday I just did Biggest Loser yoga (which essentially means it was another rest day), and yesterday I had planned on going to the gym after work to get in my speed training (or at least a few miles) but also hadn’t planned on being at work for a full twelve hours.  That’s an entirely different issue, altogether, and one that I won’t get in to here.

Of course the bulk of the problem here is that I’ve now gone three days without a run.  This is not the end of the world, and I still have today, tomorrow, and Sunday to get in a hill workout, a longer easy run, and pace intervals.  Really, everything is fine.  It’s just that I hate it when my plans go to pot.  And I hate it even more when I’m not sure why it happened in the first place.  This week, for example, I am just wiped out exhausted.  That’s why Wednesday ended up being a yoga day and not a running day.  The problem is I don’t know why I’m so tired and so I’ve fallen into this really self-abusive cycle that looks a little like this:

  1. feel tired and run down without understanding why.
  2. get impatient and mad at yourself.
  3. realize how much you really dislike yourself, fundamentally, and how annoying it is that things never seem to work out because, seemingly, you can’t stay consistent with anything.  feel like a failure.
  4. start eating everything you can get your hands on, and not because you’re even really tasting anything you put in your mouth, just because you feel compelled to do it; feel just as mad and impatient toward everyone around you because it’s easier to feel that way toward other people than it is to feel that way toward yourself.
  5. Start back at 2, repeat.

Let’s rewind a few weeks, when things seemed to be coming together.  I was doing yoga consistently, working on running consistently, and eating really well.  I feel like this has fallen apart now (even though I can understand that rationally, this isn’t true) and I feel like I have no control over it.

I know this is one of those times in life where you just have to keep getting back on the horse, but I guess that every time I go through one of these periods, it isn’t going to end.  Eventually I will fail to pull things back together, and I will just slowly end up losing my grip on everything.

I also know that what I need now more than anything is just to forgive myself.  So I guess that’s what I will focus on doing.  Besides, as the immortal philosopher Chumbawamba once said, “I get knocked down, but I get up again; you’re not ever gonna keep me down.”  Words to live by.

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2 comments

  1. Sorry to hear you have been struggling this week. We all crave structure and routine, and then when we fall out of it, it’s like we implode. Everything falls, fails, whatever. Chumbawumba yeah! Just don’t piss the night away. haha, actually you can if you want, it’s probably good for you.

  2. It takes some time to really get used to a training routine, with work and all the other things that life is constantly throwing at you. And even if you have trained harder than you are right now, you have to remember that you are starting over again and that you have to go easy at the begining.

    Life is constantly trying to knock us down from the horse, don’t get too upset about it, just hold on tight and keep it up, because sooner or later you will stop falling from it, you’ll get your routines in a way that they work for you and you’ll have time to worry and get anxious about something else 😛

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