Training this week has been lacking in luster (and sheen. Don’t ever forget the pretty, pretty sheen). Tuesday was a rest day because of a social obligation after work, Wednesday I just did Biggest Loser yoga (which essentially means it was another rest day), and yesterday I had planned on going to the gym after work to get in my speed training (or at least a few miles) but also hadn’t planned on being at work for a full twelve hours. That’s an entirely different issue, altogether, and one that I won’t get in to here.
Of course the bulk of the problem here is that I’ve now gone three days without a run. This is not the end of the world, and I still have today, tomorrow, and Sunday to get in a hill workout, a longer easy run, and pace intervals. Really, everything is fine. It’s just that I hate it when my plans go to pot. And I hate it even more when I’m not sure why it happened in the first place. This week, for example, I am just wiped out exhausted. That’s why Wednesday ended up being a yoga day and not a running day. The problem is I don’t know why I’m so tired and so I’ve fallen into this really self-abusive cycle that looks a little like this:
- feel tired and run down without understanding why.
- get impatient and mad at yourself.
- realize how much you really dislike yourself, fundamentally, and how annoying it is that things never seem to work out because, seemingly, you can’t stay consistent with anything. feel like a failure.
- start eating everything you can get your hands on, and not because you’re even really tasting anything you put in your mouth, just because you feel compelled to do it; feel just as mad and impatient toward everyone around you because it’s easier to feel that way toward other people than it is to feel that way toward yourself.
- Start back at 2, repeat.
Let’s rewind a few weeks, when things seemed to be coming together. I was doing yoga consistently, working on running consistently, and eating really well. I feel like this has fallen apart now (even though I can understand that rationally, this isn’t true) and I feel like I have no control over it.
I know this is one of those times in life where you just have to keep getting back on the horse, but I guess that every time I go through one of these periods, it isn’t going to end. Eventually I will fail to pull things back together, and I will just slowly end up losing my grip on everything.
I also know that what I need now more than anything is just to forgive myself. So I guess that’s what I will focus on doing. Besides, as the immortal philosopher Chumbawamba once said, “I get knocked down, but I get up again; you’re not ever gonna keep me down.” Words to live by.