Dear Men of Central Park,
Wow, pretty warm weather we’ve been having the past couple of days, huh? Perfect time to throw on a t-shirt and some shorts and go for a run around New York City’s greatest green space. I mean, who doesn’t love the Park, especially when the weather is this nice? Anyone who doesn’t is clearly crazy, are you with me? Yeah, I thought so. It’s great that we agree on so many important points.
There seems to be, however, something upon which we strongly disagree, and I can’t keep it to myself any longer. You may already know what I am getting at here–it’s the shirt thing. As in, the keeping-the-shirt-on thing. Now, I’m a runner, I know what it is like to be running along and get hot and sweaty and uncomfortable. But really, guys, please keep your shirts on. I mean, there are very few men who should take their shirts off–elite athletes, super-ripped actors, etc. The elite physique thing generally makes it a bit more acceptable. Unfortunately, and I hate to be bursting anyone’s bubble here, you guys don’t fall into those categories, and seeing your doughy, pale torsos jiggle as you jog along is really, thoroughly unattractive. I mean, it is really just gross. It isn’t even that hot outside. If you are already taking your shirt off when it is 75 degrees, what are you going to do when temperatures go up into the eighties? Take off a layer of skin? I don’t even want to think about all those exposed organs, not to mention fatty tissue and the occasional muscle. You know, the thing is, there are other men and women out there in the park working just as hard as you are, maybe even harder. They’ve managed to resist the urge to tear their clothing off, and a lot of them look like they are probably in better shape and may have a better-looking body to show off. This just sort of leads me to think that you’re taking your shirts off in order to prove something. Like…that you have fifteen or more pounds to lose? No one needs to know that other than you and your life partner. And possibly your doctor.
Please, guys, I am begging you. Put the shirts on and keep them on. If this is too much for you, exercise somewhere that has air conditioning. Are we clear on this? I hope so.