Better start eatin’, kid!

So that Thrive diet didn’t really take me anywhere.  For some reason, I never got the promised emails, which is funny because normally I’m getting emails all the time that I don’t want.  I guess it makes perfect sense that the emails I actually do want never come.  It’s disappointing, though.  Plus, shortly after I posted about it, I lost my appetite.

Losing your appetite is a funny thing, really.  I used to be the sort of person who couldn’t imagine “forgetting” to eat a meal, and it would always surprise me when people would say they had.  “Oh, yeah, I was just so busy, I forgot to have lunch.”  Um, what?  How do you just forget to eat for several hours?  I have pretty sensitive blood sugar and when I don’t eat I start to get very unpleasant, very fast.  Just ask people who know me.  My friend Mike and I even have a special name for this: Hungry Cranky.  When Mike and I are together and I say I’m hungry, he knows he has a certain amount of time to get me to food before Hungry Cranky sets in and he has a raging monster on his hands.  And that’s true.  But anyway, I digress.  All of a sudden, I found myself forgetting to eat.  I’d look back on the day and find that rather than thinking about when I’d be eating again, and what delicious thing I could have for dinner, and how good my breakfast would be, I’d realize most of my breakfast was left uneaten, lunch was a couple crackers, no snacks were consumed, and dinner was pretty inconsequential.  This has not been entirely true of every day since the beginning of the month, but it is pretty accurate.  I have gone out for meals and been able to eat and enjoy what I’m eating.  But when it comes to wanting food or wanting to prepare it, I’m out of luck.  Grocery shopping holds no appeal and seems overwhelming.  If food preparation takes more than a few minutes, I can’t whip up the motivation for it because I know that ultimately, I’m not really going to want the food.  I’ve been eating for the sake of eating lately, just trying to manage as many calories as I can so that I can get through a day without extreme fatigue, blurred vision, and shaky hands.  Most of my days have still been full of that, though.

Oddly enough, I’ve been able to continue running.  My running hasn’t been great, but on distances of under 7 miles, I’m doing well.  It’s the distances of over 7, when I have to kick into reserves that aren’t really there that are becoming problematic.  I ran about 12 miles on Sunday and the week before and both times it was naught but pain and suffering.  Of course it doesn’t help that my dinner on Saturday night was two baked sweet potatoes.  Healthy maybe, but not exactly substantial for marathon training.

I’m pretty sure this dramatic change in my attitude toward food is stress-related.  It started around the same time my new boss did, and so far working with her has been massively unpleasant and has necessitated a not-insignificant (okay, I exaggerate slightly) amount of Ativan.  As you can imagine, those are fun times.  I’ve lost about eight pounds since the beginning of September, and although it doesn’t look like I’ve lost muscle mass, this is not really how I would like to be slimming down.

I’ve had little energy to blog, even though I’m constantly thinking about things I want to write about.  My reader is really backed up right now, with about 800+ unread items because I’ve just gotten to the point where I feel so overwhelmed.  There are obviously issues that need to be addressed, and I think that in order to address them, I need a good, hearty meal.

Has anyone else dealt with anything like this?  It’s disconcerting, to say the least.  Do I just sort of wait until it passes, and try to stick it out until then?  Do I continue trying to force myself to eat, even though nothing that I can reasonably and consistently acquire seems enticing?  Anybody?  Anybody?  Bueller?…Bueller?

Honestly, though, any feedback would be welcome because at some point, I’m no longer going to be able to run distances of under seven miles, and I don’t want to lose that, too.

5 to Thrive

Ugh, I hate it when you’ve been away from something long enough for the layout or interface of it to have changed.  This is what happened with me and wordpress.  It was sort of jarring to log in today and see that *everything* was different from how I remember it being.  I guess that’s what happens when you’ve been away for a while.  I didn’t even really realize how long it had been.  I kept thinking, “Oh, I should blog about…” and then I didn’t, and then that happened over and over again.

But that’s unimportant, I guess, because here I am.

I really enjoyed everyone’s comments about my rookie training plan.  I’ve been following the plan but my long runs have been longer than those on the plan.  I’m finishing week 4 this week (of 16) and up until this week, things had been going really well.  My long runs felt great, my other runs during the week felt great (I mean, every now and then they wouldn’t be great, but if you were to sit down and average it all out, things would be skewed toward very good).  But Monday (a cross-training day) I felt too tired to cross-train.  Then, instead of running on Tuesday, I took another rest day because I was exhausted.  Wednesday I ran, and Thursday I ran, but Friday I was exhausted again.  Saturday I wanted to get up and run in the morning, but I didn’t.  Later in the day, I was exhausted.  And today I skipped my long run because…(wait for it) I was exhausted.  Now, when I say exhausted, I mean I feel like someone has taken some sort of siphon or needle to my body and just drawn out all the energy.  My muscles feel weak, my thoughts are slow, my body is lethargic, and I don’t want to do anything other than lie down.  Most of the time, when I feel this way, I’m unable to nap.  Caffeine doesn’t help for very long, eating doesn’t help, and it seems like no amount of sleep is enough.

I’ve been pretty low energy for a while now, but it’s starting to interfere with things now.  The good news is that I finally started taking anti-depressants, so some of the edge has been taken off my depressive symptoms.  But I’m thinking the dosage may need adjusting.

Additionally, I think I could probably be eating a bit better.  I haven’t had much of an appetite lately, and the food I’ve been eating has been somewhat lacking in fruits and vegetables.  So!  Today I was looking into Brendan Brazier’s Thrive plan because I thought it would be interesting to read about someone who trains heavily and who also happens to be vegan, and I ended up signing up for the Thrive in 30 program.  I figure it’s free advice and can’t hurt.  Brazier is a professional triathlete advocates plant-based whole foods, which I sort of strive to incorporate into my diet anyway.

In the introductory message of the Thrive in 30 program, Brazier outlines five things that you should attempt to do as you work toward tweaking your diet, and I thought I would try, over the course of this next week, to follow 3 to 4 out of these five rules each day and see how it helps my energy level (if at all).  I’m hoping that paying more attention to what I’m putting into my body as well as the rest I’ve given myself this past week will help me get back on track with training this week because to be honest, I was really enjoying myself and this week I really missed running   So I’ll keep you all posted.

Still a rookie

Last week things were going pretty well and though I was cautious about things, I was at least cautiously optimistic.  It’s funny how all it takes is one bad weekend to derail everything and knock you back to square one.

I had been planning on getting two more runs in last week, including a long run of 7 to 9 miles.  I didn’t manage to do it, and instead finished the week with two runs.  A total of eight miles.  Oh well, at least that’s eight more than zero.

At this point, I’m fifteen weeks away from the Philadelphia marathon, so I figured I might as well just stick with an old standard when it comes to training plans.  This guy hasn’t let me down before, and I’ve been pleased with my results in the past.  Plus I feel like if I try to do anything more than this, I’m setting myself up to fail.  And the whole point of things these days is to avoid doing that at all costs.

So without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, I give you my training plan.

I don’t know why I always feel sort of lame for using this plan.  I guess because it’s designed for people who have never run a marathon before, and I kind of think I should be doing better than this.  But the fact of the matter is, I’m not ready for anything else right now.  And that’s fine.

In the future, I might take Lindsay’s suggestion of a winter marathon.  Maybe the one in Disney World.

In Training

It seems that every time I sign up for a marathon, I find myself wondering what training plan I should use.  For the two that I’ve done so far, I’ve used the same training plan.  The first time I used it, I chose it because it looked like a great plan for a new marathoner.  And it was.  The second time, it was because I sort of felt like I had hemmed and hawed a bit too much about starting an 18-week program (you know, I just didn’t manage to get started on my training that early), and because I felt like maybe I wasn’t in good enough shape to do the length of long run I had to do right off the bat.  I was still pleased with my performance in the marathon, though.  Clearly it’s a good plan.  This time around, though, I really want to try something new, and mostly just for the experience of trying something new.

I always get a little bit silly when it comes to training plans.  I’m very picky about them, and I always want something with high peak mileage and more than just one or two 18-20 mile runs.  Of course the problem is, I never really put myself in a position to do a training plan like that.  For the past three years, before beginning my training for Philadelphia, I’ve been in somewhat mediocre shape.  I think I’m just bad at training during the summer.  One of these years, though (like, next year), I’m going to set myself for a great training plan.

For now, I’m still sort of undecided about what I want to use as a plan, even though I’m 16 weeks away from the big event and, in my opinion, at a point where I need to start training.  So I have.  Unfortunately, the week hasn’t gone that well and I’ve a pretty small amount of time to myself.  I’ve also been pretty sleep deprived.  As a result, my first run of the week was today.  That’s not the end of the world, though.  This still gives me four quality run days for the week, and a chance to do better next week.  But there’s still the issue of which plan I will use.

First, I tried the Runner’s World Smart Coach tool.  This gave me a plan where I was running three times a week with peak mileage at around 30 miles a week.  I know I’m not in the best shape right now, but I know I can push myself harder than that, and I’d like to.  So I’m not crazy about that plan.  Then I looked at this plan, which is like everything I’ve ever wanted from a training plan.  But I think it’s sort of beyond my abilities, and I don’t want to set myself up for failure.  So I looked at the beginner version, which just didn’t appeal to me.  I think it had something to do with the mid-week 10-mile runs, which I just don’t have time for, and the jump from 32 miles one week to 39 the next, and the random switching from 4 runs a week to 3.  I also looked at some Hal Higdon plans, because I always secretly dream of being in good enough shape to do the Intermediate-II plan.  Or even above that.  The main problem with those plans at this point is that they are 18-week plans, and like I said, I’m at week 16.  And I’m more novice level than intermediate right now   So honestly, what I might do is tweak the novice II program a little, and start with an 8- or 9-mile long run this weekend, and see if I can just go from there into the rest of the program.  If I can’t, I still have the novice I program to fall back on.  Or even the Rookie plan that has served me so well in the past.  I know everyone reading this is just as intrigued and obsessed by training plans as I am, so I’ll keep you all posted.

In other news, here’s an update about the Danskin SheRox Triathlon (in Philadelphia, anyway): chips can be mailed back at no charge, and you can get a medal in the mail.  Yay!  No mention of discounted registration fees for next year, or anything like that.  Sad face to that.  I know I could just email and ask directly, but lately I feel like I’m having to be the squeaky wheel in nearly every aspect of my life and I’m kind of tired of it.  So this is something I might just let go.

Also, New York smells *really* bad today (and it’s a variety of different stinky smells, not just one in particular), which is weird because it’s not even that hot today.

When it rains, it pours: SheRox Philadelphia Race Report

As you probably know, this past weekend (well, Sunday, specifically) was the date of my first ever triathlon.  After feeling pretty grumpy (this was anxiety-related–I never feel good the day before a big race and I’m probably pretty unpleasant to be around for this reason) on Saturday and sleeping pretty fitfully, I woke up early Sunday morning to somewhat overcast skies.  I checked the weather online while wondering what would happen if there were thunderstorms or something during the triathlon.  It was at this point that I realized I’d never been in a race (big or small) that had been threatened by inclement weather.  I mean, a bit of rain, yes.  A thunderstorm or other meteorological event that might create a safety hazard, no.  I was both relieved and confused when I looked at Intellicast.  Relieved because there was nothing major on the Doppler radar, and the hourly forecast showed possible scattered thunderstorms later in the morning (starting around 10 or 11, at which point I would be well out of the water).  Confused because in spite of what Intellicast said, it was raining outside and there was definitely thunder and lightning.

As Mike and I were on our way out to the car, a bolt of lightning struck so close to where we were that it set off a nearby car’s alarm system.  There was a huge clap of thunder, and we considered going back inside.  Instead, though, Mike put the bike on his car’s ridiculous complicated bike rack, and I trembled with fear inside the dry car.  I ran through a mental checklist of everything I would need that day: swim cap, goggles, a number of different race numbers, a couple water bottles, fuel options, etc.  It didn’t occur to me to add an umbrella to that list because Intellicast seemed to think the rain we were having wouldn’t last.  Ha.

By the time we arrived at the race site, it was pouring.  At this point, though, it was just rain.  Nothing electrical.  We made our way to the transition area where I set all my stuff up and carefully placed a plastic bag over it so that it wouldn’t get soaked if there was anymore (unexpected) rain.  The race was supposed to start at 8, and my wave didn’t start until after 9, so I brought a banana back out of the transition area with me.  Mike and I proceeded to stand around and wait as the race announcer repeatedly said they would probably delay the start, but not have to alter the course in any way.  For some reason, deep down, I felt unconvinced.  It was for this reason that I wasn’t surprised when he then starting talking about the race officials considering the possibility of canceling the swim portion.

Originally, they were going to make the call about the swim portion by 7:30 am.  As Mike and I (and hundreds of other athletes and spectators) stood around, frequently seeking shelter from a passing storm (yay for standing under trees during thunderstorms!  This was literally the only shelter to be found), the race officials continued to postpone their decision.  Finally, around 8, the race director got on the PA system and announced that the swim was officially canceled.  The swim leg of the triathlon would be replaced by a 1.5-mile run, meaning that my first triathlon was actually going to be a duathlon.  I tried to tell myself not to be disappointed by this as I went back to the transition area to get my running gear.  I stuffed a packet or two of Gu chomps in my tri suit and headed back out to chit chat with Mike a bit more before heading over to the corral area for the 8:30 (or in my case, 9:36) am start.

I am not entirely sure what time the race got started.  By the time my wave (#13) was called up to the corral, it was closer to 10 am than it was to 9:30.  It had been a while since I’d eaten anything and I wasn’t feel all that well-fueled at that point, but I reminded myself it was just a 1.5-mile run (which even in my shape I could do in my sleep) and that once I got back to the transition area I would have time to get something in my body.  When our wave started, the weather was pretty clear and things were going well.  I felt strong and hit a good stride early on.  I didn’t push but ran at a comfortable pace and found myself going between an 8:00-8:15/mile by the time I reached the halfway point.  I was able to keep that pace on the way back, but I don’t know what my exact split was for this leg since I didn’t stop my watch timer until I’d been in the transition area for a bit (I sometimes forget these things, especially when I have other things on my mind).

As I grabbed my bike in the transition area, I felt strong and excited about what lay ahead of me.  Things hadn’t started out in an ideal manner, but I kind of got a rush from running my bike through the transition area on my way to the course.  Mentally, I was preparing myself for a strong second leg, but one that wouldn’t hinder my performance in the 5k.  At the same time, I reminded myself that my main goal was to finish and to enjoy myself.

The bike leg of the tri duathlon consisted of two laps of the course, for a total of 15.5 miles.  Prior to Sunday, I’d had exactly one ride on my bike.  The rest of my lackluster training had taken place on various stationary bikes.  I didn’t know what to expect from this leg.  This wasn’t helped by the fact that it started raining again at this point.  As I pedaled through the course, trying to remember all the rules about drafting and passing (and realizing that it didn’t seem like anyone else was nearly as concerned about them as I was, although I do have to say that the majority of people were very polite and stayed to the right of the course, and warned when they were going to pass you), it continued to rain.  Occasionally, there would be thunder, and the sky would light up from lightning in the area.  None of the course volunteers said anything about this, so I just kept going.  Things took a major turn for the worse during the second lap.  Although I was still feeling strong, the skies had grown dark.  The clouds were looking ominous, the rain was much more aggressive, and I was having a hard time distinguishing the thunder from the wind rushing through my eyes.  The lightning was frequent and very close by.  We were biking through Fairmount Park, and there were no safe areas to pull over and wait the storm out.  Plus, it wasn’t clear how long you’d have to wait if you had a place to pull over.  So instead of stopping, I pedaled harder and obsessively told myself that although I was soaking wet and riding an instrument made of metal, I was also on rubber tires, wearing rubber-soled shoes, and holding onto rubber-coated handlebars.  And that I was not the tallest object in the area.  Cold comfort, but it was all I had at that point.

As I was frantically cycling into the finish of the 15.5-mile ride (literally feeling like a storm cloud was right behind me), I noticed there were no riders coming in the opposite direction.  This seemed a little odd–not only would there normally have been people at least starting their second loop (if not other waves who’d left later possibly beginning their first), the road looked abandoned and ominous.  I pedaled harder, not wanting to be the only target in an open space.  By the time I made it to the finish, course volunteers were instructing us to dismount and get off the course.  Although no one said anything explicitly, it was clear that the race was canceled.  Some women (those who’d been in the earlier waves) had been able to finish the whole thing.  I guess I should have been happy I got to finish 2/3 of it…and I was, but as I ran to the rack where I’d left my visor after switching it out for my helmet after the first run, and passing a bunch of women wearing medals, I couldn’t help but feel disappointed in how things had turned out.

As I was exiting the transition area to find Mike and my sister Charlotte, the storm turned into something ridiculous.  It was like standing under a waterfall.  The lightning and thunder were both directly overhead and the thought of either getting hit or seeing someone else get hit was terrifying.  I met up with Mike and Charlotte and we tried to get back to the car as soon as possible, but since everyone else had the same idea as us, this was no easy task.  The trek back to the car was terrifying.  The areas we had to walk through that weren’t paved (the entire transition area, large expanses of grass, etc) were flooded with water and it was incredibly scary to have to walk through something like that while lightning struck very close by, on all sides.  People were panicking everywhere and as a result things moved slowly.  We got caught in a few traffic jams (foot traffic, that is) because it was absolute chaos.  This just made matters worse–no one wanted to be outside longer than they needed to, and being in a situation that slowed them down made people extremely tense.  I am amazed that we all got out of there unscathed.  I really thought I was going to see someone get hit by lightning.  Or be the person that was hit.

Naturally, by the time we got close to the car, the storm had calmed down quite a bit.  By that time, we were completely soaked, though, so it didn’t matter much.

Looking at my splits from the race (I did the bike leg in 1:09:30), I feel disappointed that I didn’t get a chance to see how the 5k would have gone.  I felt so good during the parts of the race I got to complete, and I’m happy about that.  I was really lacking in confidence heading into this whole experience, and I am really pleased that of all the things that could have gone wrong this weekend, my performance was not on the list.  But I can’t help but feel a little frustrated with the whole experience, and I’m frankly a little confused about how the whole situation was handled.

As I said, it took the race officials a pretty long time to make a decision about what to do regarding the swim leg of the race.  Although I had no access to Doppler radar at that point, I find it hard to believe that the squall line that ended up canceling the race was not visible when they were looking at it.  Was it really not there?  If it was there, was it that hard to track its course?  It just seems like something that big must have been visible, but then again, I don’t know.  I want to trust that the race officials made the best choice with the information they had, but it also seems odd to me that there was no contingency plan in place for something like this: no rain date, no alternate plan in the event that something went wrong.  Also, I completed as much of the course as I could.  I feel like I earned a medal for that.  In fact, I sort of expected an email or something today from the race officials about what happens if you weren’t able to finish because of the weather (or, frankly, just an acknowledgment of what happened in general, maybe an apology for making a bad decision that put people’s lives in jeopardy)–do I get a discount on registration for next year?  I feel like that would be the minimum they could do.  This was, by no means, an insignificant expense.  Honestly, I feel like they should either offer those of us who participated in this event either a refund, or free registration for next year.  Do I get a medal mailed to me?  I finished what I could and I would have kept going if it had been an option.  The whole thing feels incomplete, and in a way, I feel like it never happened.  There was never any official word that the race was canceled, it was just clear based on everyone’s actions.  In the back of my mind, too, there’s this nagging feeling that maybe if the race had been started closer to 8 am, and if they hadn’t delayed the decision about the swim portion until the very last minute, and they had started the waves every six minutes like they were supposed to (I first waited in my corral for about ten minutes, and then at the starting line for another 5-10 before we got to go, for NO discernible reason–I mean, we were no longer in a situation where there was a danger of too many people being in the water at once, so the wave thing at this point was a bit artificial), I would have been able to finish.  Maybe that means I would have been running through a dangerous storm instead of riding through one, but I would at least have the satisfaction of knowing that I got to finish what I started.

To top if all off, later in the afternoon, I got an email about results from active.com.  I looked up my name, and there’s no time listed.  Not even a DNF.  There are, oddly enough, results for other women who were in my wave, and whose times were in the 1:30s, which is longer than I was even able to be on the course.  I have no idea what is going on with that.  And I still have my timing chip, because there was no one around to take it from me by the time I was told to get off the course.  I really hope no one is expecting me to pay the $35 fee when I return it.

Phew.  That was long.  And all it really adds up to is the fact that my first triathlon will have to wait another year.  Also, apparently I’m not alone in the way I feel about how this whole thing was handled, although I have to say I can’t agree with ICANDOIT.  Um, people could have died.  I think we all have a right to be angry about that.

Finding the reset button

Okay, first, a few things I want to say right off the bat:

1. It really means a lot to me that everyone has been so supportive over the past few weeks.  I know I’ve said this a million times but this has been a really difficult period of my life, and it has helped so much to know that there are wonderful people out there who will encourage me and root for me.
2. I have been super MIA when it comes to reading everyone’s blogs.  It’s not that I don’t want to keep up and comment, it’s just been hard for me to engage in anything recently.  I’m hoping to catch up over the weekend
3. If you are in the New York City area, I encourage you to look into this event.   I will be registering for this because I can’t imagine being able to run, living in this area, and not doing it.  It anyone else wants to run it, maybe we can try to meet up beforehand (or afterward–the race is on August 25, a Tuesday, at 7 pm).

Now, other stuff I want to say.  This Sunday is my triathlon.  I’m nervous about it, and probably not for the typical reasons!  I mean, I am obviously hesitant about the open water swim, nervous about the bike (I’ve never done a bike race before, and though I know that the event rules state that drafting is grounds for disqualification, I don’t know that I would even know drafting if I saw it.  Plus there are all these rules about passing…), and scared of the transitions.  More than that, though, I’m scared that I might not be able to do it at all.  My training starting out strong and gradually fell apart as my life (and my ability to deal with the things that kept popping up) started to seemingly crumble all around me.  At this point, this triathlon is going to be more about finishing than anything else.  Of course, finishing in and of itself is going to be a big deal–starting is going to be a big deal.

Recently I have considered not doing this triathlon at all.  Ultimately, though, I realized that I really only lose in not doing it.  Even if I start and have to withdraw, even if I get through most of it and can’t finish, I feel like I’m still triumphing over every lousy thing that has happened in the past few months.  No matter what happens, as long as I make it to the starting line on Sunday morning, I think I win.

This is sort of the first step in resetting.  I’ve moved into my new place, I’ve signed up (and starting training for) the Philadelphia marathon, and I feel like these are opportunities to start fresh.  I hope that the things I can’t control work out better than they have been.  In the meantime, though, I am going to take baby steps to regain the confidence I need in order to feel like I can deal with the things I can control.

I wish

On the eve of my moving to yet another New York apartment (this is the third and the beginning of my fourth year in this city), I took this quiz.  I don’t think anyone will be surprised by the results.

DO YOU BELONG IN NYC?
No. No. No!
What are you still doing here? You don’t take advantage of what New York has to offer, and you’re clearly irked by all the sacrifices you make to live in the city. Go on-the open skies and low rents of Montana await. But there’s hope for you yet! Click here for suggestions about how to really enjoy NYC. Who knows-maybe you’ll change your mind.

Do you belong in New York City?

Yeah, something tells me I won’t be changing my mind.

I’m not ok, you’re ok

Full disclosure:

• I haven’t done anything that even vaguely resembles a workout since last Saturday, when I swam 1/2 mile in the Schuylkill.  Even that wasn’t a workout so much as it was just mental work.
• I’ve had the same Jillian Michaels workout DVD from Netflix since early June and I haven’t done it one single time.  I haven’t even put it in the DVD player.  I haven’t even taken the disc out of the Netflix sleeve.
• I can’t remember the last time I kept track of what I was eating for a full day.
• I can’t remember the last time I did yoga.
• I feel completely disconnected from the training I have done for my triathlon (which is about two weeks away and for which I feel completely unprepared).  Even though I know I started out strong, I feel like that wasn’t me.  It’s like it was someone else entirely.  Someone with whom I have no connection whatsoever.
• Every day I wake up determined to break this streak of awful I’ve been going through lately, and every day I just feel defeated.

I know that there are approximately 0 people right now who are reading this and enjoying the fact that I’m whining.  And I apologize for whining.  But the truth is, I just feel so drained lately.  I wish I could do something to turn things around but I don’t know that I can.  I’m having a hard time feeling like I didn’t blow the triathlon.  I’m having a hard time facing the fact that things that I love have somehow become seemingly impossible tasks.  It’s hard for me to say, exactly, what’s going on.  All I really know is that I don’t feel like myself and I haven’t for a really long time.  I’ve been trying for months to keep my head above water and at this point I just feel too tired to keep treading water.

When I go through times like this, I tend to obsessively tell myself that things will work themselves out, that everything will be alright, and that this too shall pass.  This time around, though, I’ve been doing it for such a long time that the words have lost all meaning.  And it’s not like I’m normally a super upbeat, optimistic, and cheerful person…but this has gotten to be too much.

I guess I’m worried that I’ve gotten to a point with this depression where I’ve begun to believe that there’s no difference between it and me.  Finding myself unable to shake it has got me feeling like a failure.  Not being able to run and do other healthy things that usually keep me balanced and happy reinforce my feelings of failure.  Having suffered so many setbacks in my training is like a fail cherry on the fail sundae.

So what’s my point here?  I don’t really have one.  I’m just writing this because, for one thing, I’ve noticed that sometimes I feel better when I get things like this off my chest.  This is a lot deeper than what I’ve dealt with in the past, so I’m not really sure what the effect will be.  For another thing, I don’t talk about this much because I figure people don’t really want to hear about other people’s depressive thoughts.  I actually put a lot of energy and effort into concealing the way I feel about myself and my life, and lately that’s been catching up to me.  I guess I just need an area in my life where I can be straightforward and honest about what I’m dealing with and how it’s affecting me.  So that’s what I’m doing.  And there’s no point, really, but hopefully it helps a bit anyway.

Open Water

Wow, I’ve been way out of it lately.  I apologize that I have been so absent in commenting on blogs; I’ve been meaning to catch up on both my reading and my commenting, and so far I haven’t really been able to find the time.  During the past few weeks, things have been so stressful that I feel like I ended up kind of dissociating from my own life a little bit just so that I could get through things without breaking down.  Between now being the only person who works in my office (the Director quit and a new one hasn’t been found yet, leaving me to do the work that would normally be distributed among two people), beginning to teach a six-week intensive course, trying to find a new apartment, etc., I feel like life has gotten out of hand.  The good news is that I have found an apartment, and even though I won’t feel like that’s settled until I have the keys in my hand and I’ve moved my stuff in, at least it’s a significant something.  The way things are going lately, though, I’m scared something will go wrong somehow.  Keep your fingers crossed for me!

After taking last week off of training, I made an effort to get back into the rhythm this week.  I’ve done some running and swimming, and this morning I did something really exciting: I attended an open water swim clinic that was offered to the SheRox triathlon participants here in the Philadelphia area (I’m visiting for the weekend).  Some of you may already know that the open water swim was/is my biggest triathlon-related fear.  There are so many factors: What if I get kicked in the face/head by someone else? What if I can’t see anything around me and I start panicking in the water? What if I can’t finish? There’s no line painted on the bottom of the Schuylkill river the way there is in the pool.  The water isn’t crystal clear.  I have no idea how deep the water is.  Apparently people really do have panic attacks during the swim portion of triathlons.  And obviously, I want to avoid being one of those people.  Hence the open water swim clinic.

I got to the location where the clinic was being held early this morning.  There were already a ton of women there, chatting and waiting for the event to start.  Everyone seemed to be talking about the same thing: how scared they were about the open water swim.  It was comforting to know I wasn’t alone.  It was also nice to look around and see all these athletic women of all different shapes, sizes, and ages.  I am guessing I was probably one of the younger women there, with most of the attendants in their thirties or forties.  Hopefully, I’ll be like those women in five to ten years

The clinic started out with a talk from a psychologist about how to deal with fear and the fact that the best thing to do is not to deny or try to make the fear go away, but rather to accept it as being there, and allowing yourself to feel that that’s okay.  He stressed the fact that it was normal to be scared, and that if anyone didn’t feel scared, something was probably wrong!  He also told us not to think of trying to “prove” anything, but “improve”.  If you go into the event trying to prove (to anyone, including yourself) that you can do it, or you can do it in a certain amount of time, then if something goes wrong and you can’t do it, you are going to be devastated.  Boy, how well do I know that one!  Often, even though I accomplish things that are objectively amazing, I undermine myself by thinking that I wasn’t able to prove to myself that I could do better.  If, however, you focus on improving, you win no matter what happens.  This is definitely a sympathetic attitude that I need to work on adopting toward myself.  If you are thinking about improving rather than proving, then even if you get in the water and feel like you get to a point where you can’t finish, you have still succeeded just by trying.  Another thing he mentioned that I found really interesting was how the monsters in the closet are a lot scarier if you keep the door closed.  It’s so true!  Anticipation of an event or a scary thing is so much worse than the thing itself.

After the psychologist spoke, we got a little speech about stuff that was a bit more practical from a seasoned triathlete, Beatrice.  She spoke to us about different sighting techniques, what to do if we start to feel like things aren’t going well, etc.  Basically, she went over some “survival skills”.  Then, it was time to get in the water!  There were two buoys set up, about 1/8th of a mile away from each other.  We were given the option of just doing one loop (for a total of 1/4 mile) or doing two.  I figured I would see how I felt once I got in the water and go from there.

Upon getting in the water, I got really nervous.  But I told myself that was normal, and did some easy breaststroke to the starting point of the course while allowing myself to breathe deeply.  By the time I got to the buoy, I felt fine!  The water was a great temperature and actually felt really refreshing and relaxing.  It was a little odd to have such low visibility, but not as bad as I thought it would be.  As I swam my two loops, I practiced dodging other swimmers, got used to wearing my tri suit, and worked on my sighting.  Overall, it was a great experience!  I feel like I could have done a whole lot more, and it was great to get a sense of what things will be like on race day.

I was hoping to go for a run today as well, but I’ve been feeling pretty crummy all afternoon.  I took a long nap, but my stomach is still feeling iffy, so we’ll see how things go.

I am doing this*

*If any of you recognize where this quote comes from, please know that this is not a reflection in any way of any of my political views or opinions about specific people.  I just find the wording amusing (inexplicably).  Unrelated to the quote: Props to Chris for pulling all of this together.  In the year+ that I have known him, he has done some amazing things to support me and my running and has always been a galvanizing force in this small but amazing community of runners/bloggers that I feel privileged to be a part of.

I am also doing this, because I think we all know how badly I need to be doing any kind of strength training and this seems like a good way to start back up.  I’m not going to kid myself and pretend I have any strength left from back when I did the 30-day Shred.  That stuff is gone with the wind, I tells ya.